Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You realize that sometimes you're just not okay... 145. Down 1. Ended yesterday at 1325 cals (88.1g protein & 17.5g net carbs). Entering the luteal phase so will have to be stricter about carbs. "Cheat" day tomorrow - special festival I've been going to with my grandma for a while back in the little town near where she grew up. It's important for me to go because I don't know how many more of these I will get and they mean a lot to me. That's worth breaking my diet for. I'm feeling really fat today and I hope tomorrow is better so I can be less distracted by body and how it feels. I feel myself slipping into the dark place. Planning and prepping and life are starting to feel like too much and I'm catching myself procrastinating. I need to stay on top of having good protein available because otherwise it's impossible to stay consistent with it. I'm wondering if I keep protein intake high enough for long enough if my hair will start getting thicker again. It's not that thin but nowhere near when I was young. I'm not sure if this lack of thickness is from starving myself and binge/restrict over the years or just general aging. I fasted most of the day yesterday (because we were out). Went to see my FIL and he tried to get me to eat with him and Husband but they were having spring rolls and not only was I not hungry then, it was too high carb. I like this way of eating. It keeps me on track, it helps me eat cleaner (not perfect but better) and it keeps my hunger levels stable. I don't get starving and binge. I was pretty hungry by the time we got back yesterday around 3 and after some phone calls I ate at 4. By then I was feeling the "good" dizzy. The floaty low blood sugar feeling. I love that feeling. It makes me feel "right". Like I'm doing what I need and I've earned getting to this state. It's comforting. And triggering. It makes me want to push it farther to stay here. Especially when the weight feels slow to come off (like 2lbs a DAY is healthy or even realistic lol). I know my mind wanting to be 45lbs smaller NOW is not safe or realistic but it has been my reality for so long now it's all I really know. It's difficult to temper it and know how to get healthy (because I am a little overweight and my body fat is too high). I guess I'm saying I feel the spiral happening and if I'm being truly honest I'm glad. I don't want to stop it. I don't want gallstones and hair loss and to start fainting. But I want all the other things. The floaty feeling, my fat neck to recede, my shoulder and hips bones to reveal themselves again. I want to be able to wear that cute skirt I got two summers ago without it giving me a muffin top. My brain wants 99 but I know 115 would suffice. UGH this is all so stupid. Yesterday's title would have been better for today's entry. I wish they were right and I had just grown out of this. Maybe in another 20 years eh? 5:06 a.m. - April 12, 2024 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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