Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My mind is a prison... 146. Down 2 from yesterday. Thankfully that tea didn't fuck me up. I did end up eating (520 cals, 56.9g protein, 14.5g carbs). Fasted for about 18 hours prior to that. Stomach slightly less bloated this morning but still a lot of fat/flab. Still not sure what I'm going to wear this afternoon and trying to do my hair before bed was a bad idea -- waves turned out exactly how I want them but I've got a couple gnarly cowlick type bumps that look ridiculous. I'm going to rewet it and try again in a bit. Nothing else really exciting to talk about. Got up at 6. I'd like to get back into the routine of getting up at 5. I did rather enjoy coffee and journalling in the dark hours before the world wakes up. I have a bit of work to do this morning so thinking of rewetting/styling hair after getting husband up and then doing my work. Then I can figure out if I feel like wearing any makeup today and trying on 500 million outfits that will all look horrifyingly terrible. I'm not even finished my coffee and I already am thinking of another one but I need to limit anything going in my system to keep the bloated belly look as small as possible. I really need to invest in some shape wear. *She* thinks that's a cop out. That I deserve to been seen as the fat loser I am because if I was doing what I needed I wouldn't need to hide. But when you're 37 and married for 15 years with no children (by choice) and you LOOK pregnant... people assume. And ASK. I want to be healthy and I want to be happy and okay with how I look but I don't know how. I'm either so deep in a binge hole or I'm avoiding and stuffing down the feelings and they say fake it till you make it but I never make it so I'm just perma-fake?. Will it ever just not be there? I miss my clothes. I miss being so skinny it hurts to sit. I miss boney shoulders and my neck not swallowing up my face. I don't know how I'm going to get through this day. I'm going to get drunk when I get home -- again to avoid the feelings and to turn off my brain. But I can't drink during because I'll be surrounded by people I can't trust so I need to be on my A-game plus I think I'm driving. 7am and I'm panicking already. If I was skinny at least I'd have more clothing options. FUCK. 7:07 a.m. - March 08, 2024 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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