Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Diary of the dead... Feeling out of control and just don't know how to find my way back to myself. Well I know it just needs time but in it always feels like I don't know. And what if this time I don't find my way back? It usually starts over days... the darkness creep. Mild and slowly growing. It used to surprise me but after many years I've learned to recognise the signs. It sucks but I ride it until it passes. This week it surprised me. It started Monday -- we were working on some important financials for Husband. Not new but doing it ourselves was new. Anxiety started hitting me as expected. I rode it. I kept talking myself down. But by the evening it just fucking hit me. I was physically shaking. I broke down and cried to my cat a few times. He asked if I wanted to smoke some weed and I said no. I told him I was too anxious and I knew that would make it 1000x worse. He tried to help in his way but there's no helping this. It just needs time. But with the intense anxiety came the dark. Heavy. Suffocating. I'm a zombie walking through thick fog. Going through the motions as I know this routine. I hate it. I hate this so fucking much. I'm out of control. This fog keeps me from trusting reality. Did I pay that bill? Did I check emails? What else am I forgetting to do? I stared at the ceiling for too long last night and then I slept in too late. And I could have slept longer. I got work done today, and we made a list of everything we need to do, and I checked all the bills, and I wrote down everything I could remember in my planner. But I still don't feel like I have a grasp on it all. And the scale said 147 this morning and I know that's all my fault for not fighting harder to break free from this. For using food to push down the anxiety for the moment. For laying around instead of being active. My wonderful Husband deserves a better partner. I'm such a fucking loser. 12:01 p.m. - March 15, 2024 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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