Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vices and musings... Exhausted yesterday but managed to stay up an hour or so later than I should have. Slipping back into old habits of trying to recharge my mind by staying up late doom scrolling and mindless tv/youtube. I realized some many years ago that it's the need for alone time for the introvert to recharge. In my teens I often worked late, not getting home until midnight. That lead to needing time to myself before sleep -- two reasons: to recharge from the day of having to be "on" and avoiding another day. I rarely remember dreams so sleep was just a way to jump ahead and I hated that. The starving/binging really started getting bad then. Don't eat all day... do homework or read or exercise during lunch (pulling away from friends.)... sip diet coke during break at work... stop at convenience store on my way home and hide in my room in the dark watching/listening to whatever while numbing and avoiding feeling. "Relaxing". "Recharging". REALLY FUCKIG DUMB. I'd also binge on fast food or junk with on again/off again bf in the evenings if he wanted which was often enough. And we had disposable income and access to a car. I miss driving late at night by myself. The dark was my safe space (still is). Another reason to not want to jump ahead to another morning. A few weeks ago, years and years after those teen years, and I still stay up too late drinking, eating, avoiding. Weight fluctuations up to 40-50lbs at times. The last time I tried to get help was in university like 16 years ago but I didn't want help. I don't want help. I want to be skinny damnit. So skinny that my body feels right again. That I don't feel gluttonous and guilty. That I am the skinny wife again. But I'm getting old and my body is feeling old and I'm scared of it failing before I can really achieve health. So we keep going. We keep trying. For a few weeks I was managing to sleep around 9:30pm and get up at 5am. Turns out I don't fear dawn like in the past and morning dark is as comforting as night dark especially when it means more time to recharge before having to attend to adult tasks. I'm trying to get back to that. So last night I ended up in bed at 10:30pm when I realized around 9:45 that I was avoiding my goals and looking for the easy dopamine by staying up watching tv. It never happens and it just means I'd fall asleep on the couch and continue the slide back to the old routine of bad habits. So I got up and did some self-care -- took off my makeup/washed face, moisturized, and flossed! Breathe in. Breathe out. Keep going until the good habits stick. Goals today: hit protein goal regardless if calories are on the higher end. Keep carbs below 19g. Get some exercise on top of morning walk. Plan for the weekend to try to lessen the anxiety of forgetting something. I'm anxious about the cats. It's one night but they've never been left alone (and fed on a schedule) and moving them causes stress. I'm not sure which option to choose for their safety and well-being. I'm rambling. Time to reheat my now cold coffee and see what the internet has for me today. 6:20 a.m. - February 14, 2024 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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