Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All over the place... 9:19 am: I've been up since 5:40 am because the cats were extra hungry. I didn't binge last night but the sad consumed me. Every small innocent thing he said made me more sad. I don't know why. Nothing was out of line or even unreasonable. The sad was still there this morning. The dark cloud, ever consuming. I didn't weigh myself. I was going to just say fuck it. I haven't stuck to my goals fully in the way that my brain needs to feel successful. I didn't come here and write. I didn't go on my phone. I sat with the cats as they ate and waited for coffee and when coffee was ready I picked up the library book I checked out last week. For some reason that helped. I got sucked into the words and by 7 when I got up to my husband some coffee and get him up (he was already stirring before I could go upstairs) I was feeling less sad. Then I went upstairs and made the bed and starting getting ready and that restless feeling of NEEDING to DO something, ANYTHING hit me hard. So I put on some work out clothes and music and starting just letting myself "do". I folded laundry, and danced around. I feel like I need to RUN but we went for a walk and I had the energy to not just zombie walk. I am going to DO today. I am going to move my body as much as I can. I am going to listen to music. I am going to be productive and get good work done. I'm going to drink enough water and eat GOOD food (eating eggs cooked in coconut oil now and I've planned out safe dinner). I'm going to read more of that book. I was stuffing the dark feelings down and letting the sad consume me. I will continue to stuff but I will try to fill the void with ACTION. My body and mind need to feel tired from hard work not the demons. I am strong enough to do this. 2:08 pm: OMG. So a few hours after the high, still feeling in control and on top of things, the work project got frustrating. Well he took out his frustrations with some snappy words and an irritated tone. Then he told me "why don't you just go shopping". In other words - leave me alone. Okay fine. I'm trying to take things like this less personally because I know he doesn't mean hurt with them he's just venting his frustrations and I'm HAPPY that he feels safe to be this honest with me. HOWEVER, in my emotionally overwhelmed and sensitive state (why am I even HERE) I broke down. I went upstairs, locked myself in the bathroom and cried. No one gives a shit about me. That's how it felt. My parents, my husband, my friends. No one. The world doesn't give a shit about me. It's because I don't try enough on my end. Or I'm not worth it. Or even when they show they care they must not MEAN it. I don't know, my brain was telling me I'm the most worthless piece of shit in existence. So I calmed down and went shopping. Got home and tore apart the pantry because I needed to do something to make myself feel better that wasn't drinking or binging and the deep clean usually does it. Husband decides to go out to see his Dad and get some lunch. We'll be okay, some time always helps us find our way back. I'm cleaning but stop and pick up my phone to put on some music and what do I see? AN EMAIL FROM A FRIEND I REACHED OUT TO WEEKS AGO. A friend from here who hasn't posted in a while. A friend I think of often and miss so much but haven't wanted to bother her living her life. So, like the emotional wimp I am, I started crying again. The cats cocked their heads wondering if I'm insane. But I tell you, that email absolutely made my day. It was so special to know that my feelings weren't one sided and it was SO good to get her message. <3 2:08 p.m. - November 23, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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