Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trying to take back my sanity... 5:49 am: 144.2. Up 0.4. I didn't track yesterday. I started to but I don't know I just feel so dead inside and everything feels like too much work. *Her* voice is still there. Sometimes quieter but often still loud. Reminding me I'm a failure. Guilting and shaming me into compliance. Well attempting to because then like a defiant child I ignore *her* and give into the other demons. Or sometimes I just do what I think will make my husband happy or less aware of *her*. Everything seems to be setting me off. I keep crying. I feel so lost and out of control. I don't really know what's causing these feelings. Maybe hormones? Maybe not having an outlet that makes me feel validated and heard? Husband's going through his own things and I don't want to be more of a burden, and my other close friend I usually rely on hasn't reached out in 11 days. It has always been me reaching out to vent or to check in with him. I know he has stuff going on too but I needed to test if he cares I guess? We've gone years in the past not talking and then pick up like nothing. There's an unconditional acceptance there but I guess I feel stupid always having to reach out to say "Hey - I'm not okay!". Husband could tell I was struggling yesterday because he kissed me and went to leave the room but then stopped, turned around and gave me a big bear hug. I love this man so fucking much. Maybe it's all the stuff for Christmas -- I definitely get overwhelmed with ALL the things to do. The planning and the timing and the cost. My Grandma is in the hospital and there's drama with some of the family. It's probably a combination of everything. I just want to sleep. I just want to lay under blankets and listen to stupid videos to block out the noise in my head. GOALS FOR TODAY: Don't drink or smoke. Don't binge. Write down what I eat. No real food limitations for today, just try to keep portions normal. 2L of water and tea in the evening. Going to get ready to go for a walk. Then work. I will hopefully get time to update here. 2:45 pm: I've eaten not great foods but in moderation and all tracked. We got some productive work done and working on finishing it up now. Caught myself laughing in the car on the drive home -- maybe a turning point? 2:45 p.m. - November 22, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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