Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... 6:21 am: 143. Down 1.6. I guess maybe the work I did before resulted in real weight loss and I'm losing it again after the binge bender? Or I really can handle more carbohydrates when I'm in the follicular phase? I don't know, but either way I'll take it. It's decently motivating to keep trying to get back on my diet. SHE has been very loud. I feel physically heavy; weighted down. Exhausted and numb and like a zombie. But HER presence will not be left unknown. The constant background noise. The lectures and the shame. I have some safer foods in the house right now so I should be able to make safe choices. I cooked a spaghetti squash last night but it tasted like water? I don't usually love the sweet flavour of it but I do like the texture, though this one was missing that even! It didn't look great on the inside when I scooped the seeds out (though the seeds looked fine) -- kind of dried out... Or maybe I cooked it too long because I did the usual time but it was so small compared to the usual size I buy. I'll add a little extra salt to it today depending what I eat with it. Coffee now. Trying to keep up with writing here because it does help give my head some calm. Probably a walk in an hour or so, and then we have a meeting today around 11. Should be an easy day. Haven't thought about what to wear yet. I'm surprised the cats aren't bugging me for food -- they were around and now they have disappeared and are silent. Like small children this is rarely good (especially around food time!). Maybe they are pestering my husband who's still in bed with all the blankets and warmth UGH lucky. I wanted to stay but I knew I wanted to write here. I wanted to get up while it was still dark. I want more of a routine. It was cold when I got out of the bed but coffee is still warm and is calling to me. 5:00 pm: Actually ate lunch today and so far the plan for the day is a low carb one sooo feeling decent. Work meeting went well. Home now finishing up some work. He raked the leaves and is writing now. He has been writing a lot recently and I'm really glad to see him at it because I know he really loves it. And he's good! I just don't like how cold and short he can be with me. I try to give him space and not interrupt but when he decides he wants to write - or a moment of inspiration hits - he talks not so... nicely? I don't think it's meant to hurt me, he just doesn't want to lose the thought or the idea. But I'm sensitive to tone and it always feels unnecessarily harsh. I'm trying to let those feelings go. It's a me problem. Directness isn't necessarily harsh. Anyway, I do enjoy the quiet time in the house so I can write here or read things online so there's that. I wonder if I have a chance at a lower number on the scale again tomorrow... 3 losses in a row without trying? Nah. If I can keep the carbs low enough then maybe. I still have a lot of water to get through too. 5:00 p.m. - November 16, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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