Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A new month... 7:46 am: 140. That's down 0.4. And down is down. I know that. I feel that. But 140? Seriously? That's my fucking reward for not eating a single piece of Halloween candy?! I've lost 7 lbs in the past 2 weeks and I get that I'm being better about nutrition this time around and hopefully this is slow enough that I won't have too much saggy skin as I'm getting old now -- but this CANNOT be the weight I'm meant to be. I hope it's just a plateau and there's a whoosh coming soon. Ended yesterday at 1179 cals and 25.4g carbs. I've been pretty good about drinking 2L of water plus coffee and tea on top so I don't think I'm going to push towards 3L yet because I'm basically there with the tea sometimes and with the cold weather here now I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing. Warm tea in the evenings has been a good replacement to snacking while watching tv. I've got a pretty decent hoard of candy/chocolate (who are we kidding it's mostly chocolate). I haven't done that in a while and I'm not sure if I'm keeping it because I like how the packages feel in my hands or if I'm subconsciously preparing for a binge. I do want it. I opened a small one last night to smell it. But while I get the thought of oh just eat it, I then get the thought that it's never just one with me. One will turn to justifying two. And then once the sugar really hits my tastebuds my brain will go haywire and I won't stop until I feel sick. No. I can't do it. I'll wait for another day and maybe then I'll be more in control. Pretty girl cuddling in my lap this morning. She's being extra sucky and I'm here for it. Not sure what work we have to do. Also wondering if we'll get a call about a situation that was supposed to be resolved weeks ago. I'm going to try to do some reading today. Winter is the perfect time to curl up somewhere warm with a book and I've needed to get back into ready for a long long time now. My brain seems all over the place and unable to focus these days -- I blame the internet lol! But I'm hoping it's like a muscle and I just need to start using it again. Coffee tastes really good this morning. 3:09pm: Haven't done any reading yet but have got some work done so that is good I guess. I ate lunch because I was hungry. Then I had a little more. All safe stuff and mostly protein and fat. Planned out dinner and it will be another day close to 1200 but definitely under 20 carbs. Starting to feel the binge urges more. I don't know if it is because I have been so strict and good for too long or just something else emotionally. I feel so much better off the booze. But I keep thinking of sugar. Am I bored? Am I sad? I'm not hungry anymore but I still want it? I worry because I don't think I will stop at a small amount. I worry it will ruin my progress. It's easy to keep saying no but I think once I taste the sweetness and the dopamine hits I will lose all control. I think I might take a shower and make a cup of tea. Delay, delay... 7:22 pm: The urge to binge passed a few hours after eating earlier but is back now with a vengeance. I just finished eating dinner and I hope that it passes again because it is very strong right now. I can't think about anything else. I hate feeling controlled by this. 7:22 p.m. - November 01, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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