Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rainy days... 7:18 am: 141.8. Up 0.4 UGH. But I know I did alright yesterday so I will not get discouraged as giving up leads to binging. Ended yesterday at 849.7 cals and 20.4g carbs. I did get all my water and carbs were a little high but not from processed sugar veg and other safe stuff. I'm so desperate to see the 130s again but I did lose a lot very fast which was probably mostly water weight so this plateau makes sense and I need to stay focused and I will get there. Have to figure out the car situation soon. So many things making me anxious. Don't think we need to be on the road today so hoping it will be a calm but productive day. Still sleeping weird. Strange dreams not so much fantasies or things I want but rather just things that have happened playing over and over? They aren't good dreams but they aren't "terrors"... just uncomfortable? Idk I wake up over and over just wanting them to stop. Up now with coffee and the cats is the perfect place to be - and writing here! I didn't get a walk in yesterday so maybe that played a role in the stall. Will make sure to get lots of steps in today. I reached out to an old friend from here that I used to talk to often and I'm hoping they will find the message and reach back. We used to talk a lot about ED stuff and life -- but then life took over. I've wanted so badly to talk over the years but always feared my presence would bring back memories of a not so good time. I regret not trying. I hope they're okay and I would love to have them back in my life. It does feel kind of stupid at 36 to still be so choked by the ED behaviours and thoughts but it really is much better these days. I know my body more. I try to be safer than before. It's still dark and it just started raining -- this is a good morning <3 6:42 pm: Well the good morning turned into a terrible afternoon. It feels like nothing important can ever just go right. A very important thing has been delayed yet again and now I'm not sure if we're fucked or not. Either way we have no confidence in the situation. I'm very upset. Anxiety is overwhelming and taking every ounce of energy to not give in to a panic attack. I wasn't going to eat my planned dinner I am so anxious I feel sick. I forced myself to eat and I got about 90% through but honestly now I just want to binge. I haven't had a real binge urge like this in a while. And there are nuts and chocolate and chips and frozen grapes and granola and I still have some alcohol. I want to numb myself. I want it so badly it hurts and I just feel like screaming and crying. But I won't. I've come to far to ruin the progress now. Hoping venting here will help calm my mind and in a way it is because now it's down. It's out of me and in here. I don't know what to do with myself. 6:42 p.m. - October 25, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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