Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nervous but determined... 8:06 am: 142.2 - down 0.4. I did eat the cheese because I forgot to take my multivitamin earlier and I like to take it with some fat. Ended yesterday at 1092 cals and 19.2g carbs. Been good about all the rules - including 2L of water daily which was a struggle at first but is getting easier. Years ago at my lowest weight I was drinking 3L a day and it wasn't even something I had to work at so I'm hopeful I can get back there. I've been really enjoying these morning updates, cozy on the couch, cozy lights (still dark outside this time of year) and warm coffee (at a cat or two depending on their moods lol). I thinking it's helping keep me grounded and focused. I can't believe I only had one drink last night. I haven't been loving the drunk feeling for a while now and honestly how much I've drank over the last 20 years I'm surprised I don't feel physically worse (I know that doesn't mean there isn't internal issues). Though any periods I have stopped or cut back drinking I usually switch it for starving. Replacing drunk with the starving high to cope with existence. I got really deep into it in 2017 dropping so fast that family started commenting. Then I had a breakdown and left some triggering spaces and said I wanted to be better. It just turned into a binge phase. I got back up almost to 160 -- my highest weight ever. My clothes didn't fit anymore and I was out of control. My clothes still don't fit the way I like at this weight but it's definitely a better situation. Years of binging my nails got better finally growing and not breaking as easily. My hair I'm not sure because it's definitely not as thick as when I was a teenager plus all the years of restricting/binging I'm sure have ruined it. It feels like so much is falling out these days but it's also so long so I'm not sure if it's a normal amount that seems like more because of the length or if I'm actually going bald. I can deal with bad skin and other physical features I'm not happy with but I don't think I could handle going bald. I'm scared. 8:06 a.m. - October 21, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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