Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Who fucking cares? Feeling lonely and invalidated lately. My good friend who is usually my sounding board has been making me feel ignored lately. I know they have a lot going on in their life but I remember things and check in and they never do that except for a half hearted ask AFTER I have already initiated the conversation. I guess this is how our relationship has always gone. We don't talk for weeks or even years in the past but when we do we just start back up like no time. I think that's why I value their friendship. I'm not good at maintaining relationships so I appreciate this person who still seems to care about me even after no contact. Because of this I feel so shit for being angry. I'm not diagnosed with anything but it feels like splitting (or what I've read it's like). I think this person was my "favourite person" as I really depend on them for validation and catharsis. But when I don't reach out or initiate a conversation they never do. I'm trying not to put them in the "hate" category but I am feeling very sad and lonely and lost. My husband is a great friend and support but this person and I have a history with more understanding of the demons and darkness. So I stopped initiating conversations and we went over a month without talking. When I did reach out to see how the first day of their new job went (they told me over a month prior) they said thanks for remembering and then unloaded about their life. It was nice to get the update but then when I mentioned a few things that were going on with me they spoke like they were hearing this stuff for the first time but I had been mentioning it for months. That makes me feel unimportant and unloved. So maybe it's splitting or maybe it's not but I'm hurt and need a break from this friend. I worry that they don't even care but honestly I think I know the truth. I haven't had a drink all of January and I've been sticking to my eating plans and losing weight, but last night and tonight have been really difficult. I reached out to this friend last night and said that this was the first night not drinking felt HARD. They said "congrats." Like what is that supposed to mean? I wasn't fucking bragging I was looking for a distraction or some support. I just went offline after that. I'm just fucking sad. Not going to drink or binge (though I did have higher calories than I'd like today I did not lose control and keep eating and eating). Not going to drown my feelings I'm just letting myself feel numb and sad. Going to stare mindless at YT until I fall asleep because I'm so done with everything. 10:13 p.m. - January 20, 2024 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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