Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y 8:14 am: 145.2. Up 0.6. Busy weekend so drank and smoked last night and ate ALL the things ugh. At least the gain wasn't that bad and fridge is set up with enough safe food to keep me on track. Also I did manage to drink enough water and not just keep drinking more and more alcohol with no water so I'm not hungover today YAY! Slept in a little (fell asleep on the couch and didn't go up to bed until about 2 am). Going to go into town soonish to run some errands, then home to do ALL the baking. Ended yesterday at 2512 cals (eff...), 111.2g protein, 162.3g carbs (bigger eff...). At least I hit my protein and remembered to take my vitamin. And I'm at the part of my cycle where I should be able to handle more carbs without bloating I think. Focusing on continuing forward and sticking as close to the plan. If it doesn't go perfectly, I need to just get back up and keep going instead of crashing and burning -- giving up and giving in. SHE is not happy with lack of perfection and the commentary is non-stop negativity but instead of avoiding HER and acting out, I need to listen. Today will be better. I WILL be better. I want to be at a safer weight. I need to be. My body needs it. My mind needs it. 10:17 pm: I'm drunk and high. What else is new. I haven't binged though I want to. I have definitely eaten bad foods and overeaten and overdone the carbs and SHE is YELLING that it IS a binge but I'm trying to stay rational and not say fuck it and eat the whole cupboard. My tolerance is decently high and I'm worried I'll keep drinking chasing the perfect numb. 10:17 p.m. - December 09, 2023 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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