Ramblings of the mind... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 114.5 114.5 Are my eyes playing tricks on me? Is my scale broken (well I know it's about a pound off so I compensate but still). I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be happy with that number. That just means I've been too heavy for too long... I was starting to identify with it. But that's not me. It can't be. I will not settle. I still hate how fat I look in all my clothes but then I'd walk away from the mirror and pretend like I didn't care. But I did. I still do. So now what? I've got fruit draining in the sink (strawberries and blueberries) for breakfast and snacking throughout the day. I'm trying to eat (unless my teeth hurt too much) and mostly focusing on not binging. Hasn't been going so well but I'm starting this week right. I didn't binge yesterday - I wanted to in the evening but there was no food here so it was easy to talk myself down. The elastics for my braces are helping because I'm not really supposed to take them out unless I'm brushing my teeth or eating so I try to plan meals and not snack in between too much or eat too much/long. I'm still drinking more than I probably should... so is the boy. Is he drinking more because of me? Or is there something going on in his life he isn't tell me? What is even going on with me that makes me crave any form of intoxication? Life isn't that difficult... so why do I find it so overwhelming? Anxiety hasn't been too bad lately. I'm going through a fairly good period I guess - it still gets me here and there but I can manage it. Calm before the storm? I always desire/dread this part. I hope it will stay but it usually doesn't last long. That's it for now. Didn't go to the family picnic yesterday because we're still fighting with the family. Drinking coffee right now. Will probably do some cleaning and make a grocery list. I'd like to go for a jog or a bike ride but it looks windy and like it might rain. We'll see :) 8:11 a.m. - July 10, 2011 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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