Ramblings of the mind...


Time to step it up...

7:54 am: 145.2. Down 0.8. Ended the day at 1549 cals, 87g protein, 83.5g carbs. I caved and had 2 gingerbread cookies and some granola with milk and sugar. Carb BOMB. But I only had a quarter cup and oddly I didn't keep eating more. Protein was a little lower than I'd like but still double what I normally get when trying to diet. Regardless, a loss is a loss, and it just means I need to step it up to keep it going. I hate the cycle of restrict and binge and it sort of feels inevitable especially around Christmas where there will be bad foods and alcohol and excuses ALL over the place. I do want to drink around the holiday so not restricting that too much (though definitely have cut down from what I used to). Thinking of doing dry January. I'd like to try to keep sticking to keto as much as possible while allowing myself to stray off plan for the family meals that I have no control over. If I focus on those days as treats coming up as a way to delay a binge maybe I can get to a better place and kick the binging. I know the sugar cravings are what get me and when I'm strict eating how I know my body responds and feels great... and I know they say that restricting leads to binging and sometimes that's true too, but mostly it's something emotional that usually gets me. I avoid feelings and life. I think that's why I drink so much. It lets me shut off from life. Put off whatever I'm feeling or having to do. Avoiding it. Same with binging. I'm eating right now, I'll do whatever later. I'm busy eating highly palatable foods for the high so I can avoid feeling bad. It's disgusting and I hate myself for it. I hate being this fat. It's hard to admit sometimes that at almost 37 I still feel as worthless and ugly as I did at 16. I don't want to be this person. But unfortunately I am. So, as always, in the attempt to get smaller, I will plan out the day and try to choose the skinny demons. There is one dinner this month I am dreading. I do not want to go. The host and us do not have a good relationship. It's rather poor in fact (and that's being nice). But family is family and what do you do? But I feel guilty and greedy and do NOT want to be there let alone eat their food? What could be more mortifying? I've been thinking for weeks now how to get out of it, or at least get away with not eating and not making it a thing. I don't think there's a way so at the moment the plan is to just eat as little as possible and maybe not finish the plate?? (Wasting food makes me feel just as guilty as eating but his family has no problem with it so...). Hm. Woke up later this morning and sleeping more was nice but I feel like the day is already slipping away. I want to make bone broth but not sure what the plan is today. But we're baking this weekend so not sure I'll have the space to do it -- plus the smell might not mix right? Maybe I'll just start it and if we go out I'll restart when we're back. I'll figure it out. I always do. No one else seems to have to these days but I was raised in a time where you fucking figure it out because no one gives a shit about you. So we truck on.

7:54 a.m. - December 07, 2023


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