Ramblings of the mind...


Trying to get back to it...

Welp didn't do so great last week. Not too poorly though. Haven't been weighing myself or doing what I need to but that changes today. Have some leftovers I'd like to not waste and I got some fruit because I've been craving it so not doing keto today but trying to get in enough water and keep calories controlled. No alcohol and no binging. Will slide back into keto tomorrow. Not going to hit my goal by May as the number is way too aggressive for one month. Even if I lost the most I ever have in one month (which isn't realistic these days) I'd still be a few pounds shy of my goal.

Tues 2 April

I didn't hit the "done" button yesterday when I was writing because I got interrupted and forgot to finish. Wish I got more sleep last night but got up at 5 because I miss that routine. Made coffee, played a bit with the cats, took some chicken out for dinner tonight (and a bit extra to have cooked protein on hand). I do best when I have protein and vegetables readily available and when I stay on top of my hunger. I wish I could just fast because I enjoy the mental break of having to think about food all the time. But he needs to gain, and well being in a relationship makes it difficult to not eat at least some times and once I start I often can't stop. I hate being so out of control. I hate that my brain/body is so all or nothing with food. I hate that I'm so worried what other people think that I can't just be confident in my choices. I have broken my diet so many times in the past because I didn't have it in me to be honest to my family. If I even mention diet/food related stuff I get different responses. Often negativity - why aren't you eating that? You don't need to diet. Or my grandma and my dad thinking I'm super health conscious -- grandma putting the pressure on to not ever fucking eat something unsafe (she has said to me before: you don't eat that. Not that I can't eat it or she's telling me not to, but rather that she thinks I don't? Or have said that I don't?). And my dad, well he has his only body image issues and does his own yo-yo dieting. Once he told me a friend of his lost a ton of weight from fasting. I said oh that's great (it is if done properly). But by responding I engaged. He then says his friend told him he didn't eat for 7 days and that can't be healthy. I started getting into "well if he's seeing his doctor, and getting enough electrolytes, and has enough weight to lose..." But then husband said I shouldn't have said anything. Anyway I'm rambling and my mind is starting to spin.

149 this morning. Haven't weighed myself in a while but we are pulling out of the black hole and *she* is being given free reign to keep me on track. Going to put food plan into cronometer after this for some guidance and planning. Hoping to get to 90g protein today (I forgot how difficult it is to hit this macro). 2L of water. Carbs under 20g (no fruit today). I will wake my husband up in a bit and we will go for a walk this morning (I got 2 good walks in yesterday) and hopefully some body weight exercises before we have to do work but that might have to be pushed to the evening. I did smoke last night but I need to be careful with that. Not going to drink for a while - this weekend was too much alcohol and it's just not doing what it normally does for me so I'm taking a break (except Saturday there is an annual festival in town and I plan to have some whiskey in my coffee and indulge in some sugar). Need to get back to taking vitamins and drinking tea after dinner. Need to start reading again so maybe that with tea (I'm in the middle of like 10 books that I haven't touched in weeks/months - what happened to the little girl that would read an entire book on a Saturday?). Bed around 9-9:30.

7:36 p.m. - April 01, 2024


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