Ramblings of the mind...


Regret and shame...

8:11 am: 145.6. Up 2.2. I haven't been tracking the binges. I haven't been eating well. I can't keep my word. I can't stick to anything I need or want to commit to. I have an event coming up in one week and I have to fucking do something because the last time I saw my sister she (tall and skinny and beautiful) made the comment that she's getting older and her body is starting to get the love handles, etc (they are not...). Meanwhile I'm sitting there and can literally feel my breasts and under breast fat rolls touching the lower stomach fat rolls. SIT UP STRAIGHT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. That will help a little at least. Ugh and this event is for her which is fine because anything with no attention is on me, and I don't want to be thinner to take away from her (it could never happen anyway) I just want to feel less horrible. I am so dehydrated from the last two days of too much booze, sugar and other carbs, and barely drinking any water. Need to drink as much as I can today. My lips are beyond chapped and cracked and bleeding -- after only a few days of drinking less. Goes to show. Also goes to show that checking in here helps keep me grounded. The week I stuck to my plans I checked in here regularly multiple times a day. I will try to get back to that. More of a constant reminder of my goals or what the day plan was at least. The sugary stuff is all gone but there's still leftover pizza and some rolls. Husband might eat the rolls and he will have some pizza. Do I eat it with the crust? I literally have less than a week until this event. Coffee now. Plenty of water. Pizza or no? I'll probably say yes because I'm a lazy, greedy pig who deserves to be fat and miserable. If you do nothing for yourself, you deserve nothing.

8:11 a.m. - November 19, 2023


previous - next

latest entry

about me





random entry

other diaries: